No, no. For you are a learned man
And I a child with a broken back
That bends from obeying these
Frivolous earthly commands.

You see, I am not like you
Nor like the creatures or elements
That beg for recognition.
I am more.

Should youd decide to see
I will be waiting.

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere

Their tears are filling up their glasses,
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow,
No tomorrow, no tomorrow.

And I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad
That the dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had

I find it hard to tell you
‘Cause I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very

Mad world, mad world.

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sits and listen, sits and listen

Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what’s my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad
That the dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ve ever had

I find it hard to tell you
‘Cause I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very

Mad world, mad world.

The lyrics are fairly bleak, especially when draped against a semi-techno/electronica and fast paced instrumental movement. Though the song is much darker to me than my thoughts, it really fit how I’m feeling right now. I guess that is…stuck. Torn between what my life was and is, and moving onward to different things, I am somewhat scared. I’m scared to lose forever people who made my life lovely to be living. Simultaneously, it’s terribly stale to be in Fort Collins and just live, with everyone else’s grand and marvelous plans to visit other places and live in different cities and countries. It seems like everyone is slackening their line of connection with me, breaking out to move on, and what awaits me? That I don’t quite know yet. I shouldn’t get too melancholy though, because I do have the certainty that wherever I go, there God will be and he’ll provide for the me things I need. Warmth from community and companionship, and those other basics like food, shelter, etc. So that does give me comfort. Even when I don’t want to believe it, and I may rage against believing it, I am certain that I can hold on to that solitary comfort.

I’d say I’m very grateful for the changes about to take place. School starting. Moving out. Who knows what else will come my way. Above it all, whatever I am doing, I hope it leads to (or is) something great in my ultimate purpose.

I don’t know what I will do.

That’s all.

Dormancydormancydormancydormancydormancydormancy.

Okay has the time come?

I want to be blunt!

I want to stick up,

                stand up,

                                                  show up,

and exert my potential energy!

                                                                                                      Inspire me! Make me to move

                                                               God grant me the wings!

that’s all.

A prayer:

God, what am I doing? I’m trying to learn and be with You and spend time with You, but I feel as if I’m failing. There are so many things I want to incorporate into my daily routines, but it seems life barely allows enough time. I get lost in minimal tasks and things which I don’t really have to do, becoming concerned with small things that may not be important. I just wonder…what is great in life? How can I choose those things? What direction do you want for me How can I live powerfully and deeply with you daily? I know some days are lesser and some more, but Jesus, please help me find something to put my energy and heart into, this life, that is pleasing to You and lets me radiate love to You and reflect it to others. I don’t want selfishness and consumerism to be my self-imposed calling. Steal me away from that; make me brave and fierce enough to choose differently.

Make my life rich. Dwelling with You, My Redeemer.

I guess that’s what believing in a truth rather than your feelings is. I always spiral off of my emotions and that is always a volatile and treacherous road because many people, including myself, tend to get misunderstood, confused and hurt. But by admitting that I can’t feel God, yet I still believe he’s here with me, seems to be the idea that I could never grasp, that you believe in a truth bigger than yourself, greater than the feelings you have, which are fleeting, because it comes from the great and mighty Yahweh.

“I am dry and thirsty Lord
Send Your rain, send Your rain.
Lord I need Your touch again
Send Your rain, send Your rain.

Let it rain let it pour from heaven,
Let it rain to revive my soul,
I need your rain, I need your streams of refreshing
Until I thirst no more.”

I really want to sing.

I want to do things for You, Jesus, that I never would have attempted otherwise, but for the reality that you are here.

To be born and die. To plant and uproot. To kill and heal. To tear down and build. To weep and laugh. To mourn and dance. To scatter stones and gather. To embrace and refrain. To search and give up. To keep and throw away. To tear and mend. To be silent and speak. To love and hate. For war and peace.

Whatever is has already been.
What will be has been before.

I love this verse, because it is completely simple, yet entirely true. Something is contained in the words, I know not what, that nearly brings tears to my eyes, Because everything is a season. Our lives are filled with winters, summers, rain, and drought, and I find it eerily clever of God to pair the weather of our planet to make a perfect metaphor of the human condition. Nothing is ever golden for long. We grow and age, sorrow comes and then joy, which is again toppled over by sorrow, then later to be conquered by joy. We find love, we lose it; gain prosperity, and give, or have it taken away. Nothing lasts forever and in fact, most things last a moment. And it’s with this attitude that I really do believe time is relative, and no matter how we try to set it down in minutes and seconds and years and days, occasionally, time will slow and we know it does, and time will pick up speed, and we wonder where the last ten years have gone. I say time is relative, and I mean this in the way that we relate it to our seasons, our live’s occurences. Childhood can be a blink for some, and old age can drag on for a thousand millenia. It’s just strange how our perspective manipulates things. And perhaps I’m getting out there, but this is what I think about when I am struck with the impermanence of everything.

This makes me feel even less in control, which I want to be, but I know it’s not my design. To control everything, or anything.

Thoughts like this give me the urge to tighten my grip and claw for the summers, but I know someday I’ll be tipped off the side of this light and dark earth, and where I’ll land is some place miraculously unfathomable.

That’s all.

Just another muttering of my wandering mind.

ps: I hate canvas shoes that make your feet stink after you’ve worn them everyday because they’ve become your favourite shoe. I mean, you know socks don’t look attractive with them, and you are forced to go barefoot and risk foot-stench embarrassment. Someone should think of something…we’ve devised space shuttles and atom bombs and medicine to eradicate small pox, but we can’t figure out to invent an efficient foot odor eliminator.

I am sorely starved of inspiration to write anything, to read anything, to play anything, to sing anything. I wonder where it’s all gone, my talent’s been sapped and it’s completely depressing.

So….I’m trying to fit in some of it all, but mostly the writing and reading. So far I’ve got three books, a devotional and the Bible that I’m reading simultaneously. Two out of the three are spiritual books as well.

I do think I ought to meditate regularly on the Bible, b/c most of the time I really have no clue how to behave and sometimes let my wild, wicked heart run wild and trample things under it’s stampede.

Most of all I have trampled Alan, so Alan I am devotedly sorry.

I wonder if sorry and sorrowful have similar origins, because if you think about it, their meanings somewhat intertwine.

You can see how i’m spinning thoughts off of other ones…it’s because i have nothing of spiritual or personal importance to discuss right now besides what i’ve already said. Things are boring and lonely and that’s it.

Ooh! Here we go, a theme…friendship.

Well, I must say I feel as if I’ve held all of my friendships very loosely in my fragile hands. I have a number of friends, but very few of them do I feel truly connected to anymore. No kindred spirits, save one. This really disturbs me, because that’s what I always desire is close companionship with just a few friends. It doesn’t have to be all of twenty or fifty people (we all know that’s impossible) but the two to five I’ve held closely, I seem to have let slip away and we’ve all made our lives so plans are not rearrangeable, non-negotiable and we have no time for one another anymore. Perhaps that’s my own perception which can often turn up marred and distorted in other’s views. Anyways, it’s likely because I’m a workaholic, but (to be a little cliche) the first step is admitting, and I just want to repair this soon…

Hopefully that will come with living out in the wild with them all.

That’s all for now :)

That’s all. Writing is good occasionally.

Keep your eyes in your pockets,
Self seeker
Take this from the meek
For your greed                             it’s killing the lot.

Return to some good
You don’t act as you should,
Self seeker
Stop this cheat                            break the truth.

The patience you had
Has ended up stale,
Self seeker
Unvail                                             shed the dark.

What this own heart desires
Sets the other trees afire.
Self seeker                                   Don’t burn them to ash.