One step forward, two steps back

I never write anymore, so if “entry” is horrible and filled with poorly explained, half finished thoughts, and anyone at all reads (who am I kidding right?) I am sorry. Anyways to put it simply, I just don’t feel right. And naturally this is referring to my spiritual existence. What my ideas for this summer were, a break from crazy, busy days so I could focus on playing the piano, the guitar, taking walks, camping a little, losing myself in contemplative thought and even picking up some yoga at home (my neck and back suck, which apparently every person suffers from this failing them first so, at home remedies come in the most strange packages). I decided to take two jobs, which is proving to consume my life. And I really don’t know why? I work for days a week at a restaurant and then I may work 2-4 days a week as a lifeguard depending. The thing about that is, I feel that I get overwhelmed easily because I am constantly tired from all of this. I just largely am seeing my spiritual self, my relation to God and growing closer to Him, is just sinking and I see myself slipping away from Him. I do a devotional every day, and I try to read the Bible and pray, but it all seems rushed, and while I’m trying and actively thinking (as much as my scatterbrained mind may allow) on how I can be more patient, or loving, or gentle, just exhibiting anything God would want me to, I get tired and I honestly get sick of doing it. I get sick of holding up the world, so to speak. I am weary of pursuing Jesus and not seeing, or honestly, feeling like I benefit or am bettered by, any results. It’s frustrating and I feel small and separated and overwhelmed and unable to perform to some standard. I know God doesn’t expect me to always be on top of things with He and I, in fact, I wonder if Jesus doesn’t expect for me to let our relationship slide. I wonder if my relationships with others mimick that of the one with my God sometimes. I haven’t seen any friends or hung out with anyone since early May it feels like, and the only person I’ve really had good contact with is my boyfriend. Nevertheless, I just feel everything slipping all because I want to make money to live on my own next year. I just can’t stand what a worker bee I’ve become. I have no time for prayer and meditation and it just depresses me. I wish God were closer to me and I truly wish that things would improve. I don’t really think that attending church and reading something and having half-finished prayers (I get distracted a LOT when I talk with God at any time, and half the time I’ve got no idea what to pray for or how to pray?!) is cutting it. I’m not reaching the mark, and not running the race. What more can I do? Can pray more for a deepening of spirituality and knowing Jesus? I wish it were that simple. RIght now, I just feel stagnant, and immovable, despite however much I want to be moved.

 

That’s all. Writing is good occasionally.

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