Show me some things
I haven’t seen before.
Don’t just turn around
Ignore everything I say.
No, no. For you are a learned man
And I a child with a broken back
That bends from obeying these
Frivolous earthly commands.
You see, I am not like you
Nor like the creatures or elements
That beg for recognition.
I am more.
Should youd decide to see
I will be waiting.
Let me first say, this Tears For Fears song encapsulates what I’m feeling:
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses,
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow,
No tomorrow, no tomorrow.
And I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad
That the dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
‘Cause I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very
Mad world, mad world.
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sits and listen, sits and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what’s my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad
That the dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
‘Cause I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very
Mad world, mad world.
The lyrics are fairly bleak, especially when draped against a semi-techno/electronica and fast paced instrumental movement. Though the song is much darker to me than my thoughts, it really fit how I’m feeling right now. I guess that is…stuck. Torn between what my life was and is, and moving onward to different things, I am somewhat scared. I’m scared to lose forever people who made my life lovely to be living. Simultaneously, it’s terribly stale to be in Fort Collins and just live, with everyone else’s grand and marvelous plans to visit other places and live in different cities and countries. It seems like everyone is slackening their line of connection with me, breaking out to move on, and what awaits me? That I don’t quite know yet. I shouldn’t get too melancholy though, because I do have the certainty that wherever I go, there God will be and he’ll provide for the me things I need. Warmth from community and companionship, and those other basics like food, shelter, etc. So that does give me comfort. Even when I don’t want to believe it, and I may rage against believing it, I am certain that I can hold on to that solitary comfort.
I’d say I’m very grateful for the changes about to take place. School starting. Moving out. Who knows what else will come my way. Above it all, whatever I am doing, I hope it leads to (or is) something great in my ultimate purpose.
I don’t know what I want to do with my life. Absolutely no clue. And no amount of school or work or decision making will help me decide that. I though I might try journalism for a degree, because I can usually bullshit my way pretty well through a paper, but now….I just don’t know. It’s just all so fucked how we have to pick everything, and we have to take into consideration money and future and career all at our ripe, young, fresh ages when all we are is idealists. Why can’t we just take a year, or however many years we want, and just live. In America, we’re all on this schooling track for thirteen years of our lives and we have little-to-no time to sort things out. We’re just pushed along, and then expected to turn right back around and plunge into an establishment with more expectations and bigger consequences, that bleeds us dry of any funds we and our families might have had all for what. A degree? I think degrees are wonderful, and helpful in the world to make money, to do what you love, to excel in life and own a house and provide for you children, but for me, right now I don’t care too much about any of that shit. I don’t want to think about my future, I’ll sort it out when it comes honestly. Some people may think that is stupid, but so far all that schooling and college educating has done is panic me and make me feel inadequate, and even more confused and unprepared for whatever lies ahead. Thank you very much.
I don’t know what I will do.
That’s all.
Resting in a state of dormancy.
Dormancydormancydormancydormancydormancydormancy.
Okay has the time come?
I want to be blunt!
I want to stick up,
stand up,
show up,
and exert my potential energy!
Inspire me! Make me to move
God grant me the wings!
that’s all.
So, I’ve been working a lot, and feel like I haven’t truly interacted with friends, or even my coworkers and customers in the ways that I should be. Not that I’m mean spirited and angry or grumpy and indifferent all the time. No. But, I just feel lame, like I’m a crippled believer and can’t exactly express Christ’s love without being a bit worried that I’ll be criticized or ostracized if only for a moment. And why am I so timid? What’s that all about. I want to stop being timid!
A prayer:
God, what am I doing? I’m trying to learn and be with You and spend time with You, but I feel as if I’m failing. There are so many things I want to incorporate into my daily routines, but it seems life barely allows enough time. I get lost in minimal tasks and things which I don’t really have to do, becoming concerned with small things that may not be important. I just wonder…what is great in life? How can I choose those things? What direction do you want for me How can I live powerfully and deeply with you daily? I know some days are lesser and some more, but Jesus, please help me find something to put my energy and heart into, this life, that is pleasing to You and lets me radiate love to You and reflect it to others. I don’t want selfishness and consumerism to be my self-imposed calling. Steal me away from that; make me brave and fierce enough to choose differently.
Make my life rich. Dwelling with You, My Redeemer.
I’m growing tired of summer. It’s just, I don’t feel so close to God right now. And…I don’t really know in what way I want to be drawn closer. I guess it struck me today that i don’t go to church and I haven’t been able to sing or write or play or read or do anything devotedly that usually makes me feel as though I’m just a little bit nearer my Abba. I don’t know what to do, because it’s not as if I’m doing nothing to attempt to be closer, but I’m just feeling far away. Not that I’m out of His reach, just that I’m loose with my affection and it’s caught up to me and I feel the ache. I want God to cast His net out and catch me with it. I don’t feel as though I’m drowning in the separation of it all, but I just don’t feel close to Him and His magnanimous omnipresence. Despite this, I’m going to keep telling myself, “But God’s there, I know, deep in the being of my soul….I can’t quite sense it, but I know it’s true.”
I guess that’s what believing in a truth rather than your feelings is. I always spiral off of my emotions and that is always a volatile and treacherous road because many people, including myself, tend to get misunderstood, confused and hurt. But by admitting that I can’t feel God, yet I still believe he’s here with me, seems to be the idea that I could never grasp, that you believe in a truth bigger than yourself, greater than the feelings you have, which are fleeting, because it comes from the great and mighty Yahweh.
“I am dry and thirsty Lord
Send Your rain, send Your rain.
Lord I need Your touch again
Send Your rain, send Your rain.
Let it rain let it pour from heaven,
Let it rain to revive my soul,
I need your rain, I need your streams of refreshing
Until I thirst no more.”
I really want to sing.
I want to do things for You, Jesus, that I never would have attempted otherwise, but for the reality that you are here.
There is a time for everything.
A season for every activity under heaven.
To be born and die. To plant and uproot. To kill and heal. To tear down and build. To weep and laugh. To mourn and dance. To scatter stones and gather. To embrace and refrain. To search and give up. To keep and throw away. To tear and mend. To be silent and speak. To love and hate. For war and peace.
Whatever is has already been.
What will be has been before.
I love this verse, because it is completely simple, yet entirely true. Something is contained in the words, I know not what, that nearly brings tears to my eyes, Because everything is a season. Our lives are filled with winters, summers, rain, and drought, and I find it eerily clever of God to pair the weather of our planet to make a perfect metaphor of the human condition. Nothing is ever golden for long. We grow and age, sorrow comes and then joy, which is again toppled over by sorrow, then later to be conquered by joy. We find love, we lose it; gain prosperity, and give, or have it taken away. Nothing lasts forever and in fact, most things last a moment. And it’s with this attitude that I really do believe time is relative, and no matter how we try to set it down in minutes and seconds and years and days, occasionally, time will slow and we know it does, and time will pick up speed, and we wonder where the last ten years have gone. I say time is relative, and I mean this in the way that we relate it to our seasons, our live’s occurences. Childhood can be a blink for some, and old age can drag on for a thousand millenia. It’s just strange how our perspective manipulates things. And perhaps I’m getting out there, but this is what I think about when I am struck with the impermanence of everything.
This makes me feel even less in control, which I want to be, but I know it’s not my design. To control everything, or anything.
Thoughts like this give me the urge to tighten my grip and claw for the summers, but I know someday I’ll be tipped off the side of this light and dark earth, and where I’ll land is some place miraculously unfathomable.
That’s all.
This actually has nothing to do with anything remotely Greek, sorry to disappoint.
Just another muttering of my wandering mind.
ps: I hate canvas shoes that make your feet stink after you’ve worn them everyday because they’ve become your favourite shoe. I mean, you know socks don’t look attractive with them, and you are forced to go barefoot and risk foot-stench embarrassment. Someone should think of something…we’ve devised space shuttles and atom bombs and medicine to eradicate small pox, but we can’t figure out to invent an efficient foot odor eliminator.
I am sorely starved of inspiration to write anything, to read anything, to play anything, to sing anything. I wonder where it’s all gone, my talent’s been sapped and it’s completely depressing.
So….I’m trying to fit in some of it all, but mostly the writing and reading. So far I’ve got three books, a devotional and the Bible that I’m reading simultaneously. Two out of the three are spiritual books as well.
I do think I ought to meditate regularly on the Bible, b/c most of the time I really have no clue how to behave and sometimes let my wild, wicked heart run wild and trample things under it’s stampede.
Most of all I have trampled Alan, so Alan I am devotedly sorry.
I wonder if sorry and sorrowful have similar origins, because if you think about it, their meanings somewhat intertwine.
You can see how i’m spinning thoughts off of other ones…it’s because i have nothing of spiritual or personal importance to discuss right now besides what i’ve already said. Things are boring and lonely and that’s it.
Ooh! Here we go, a theme…friendship.
Well, I must say I feel as if I’ve held all of my friendships very loosely in my fragile hands. I have a number of friends, but very few of them do I feel truly connected to anymore. No kindred spirits, save one. This really disturbs me, because that’s what I always desire is close companionship with just a few friends. It doesn’t have to be all of twenty or fifty people (we all know that’s impossible) but the two to five I’ve held closely, I seem to have let slip away and we’ve all made our lives so plans are not rearrangeable, non-negotiable and we have no time for one another anymore. Perhaps that’s my own perception which can often turn up marred and distorted in other’s views. Anyways, it’s likely because I’m a workaholic, but (to be a little cliche) the first step is admitting, and I just want to repair this soon…
Hopefully that will come with living out in the wild with them all.
That’s all for now :)
I never write anymore, so if “entry” is horrible and filled with poorly explained, half finished thoughts, and anyone at all reads (who am I kidding right?) I am sorry. Anyways to put it simply, I just don’t feel right. And naturally this is referring to my spiritual existence. What my ideas for this summer were, a break from crazy, busy days so I could focus on playing the piano, the guitar, taking walks, camping a little, losing myself in contemplative thought and even picking up some yoga at home (my neck and back suck, which apparently every person suffers from this failing them first so, at home remedies come in the most strange packages). I decided to take two jobs, which is proving to consume my life. And I really don’t know why? I work for days a week at a restaurant and then I may work 2-4 days a week as a lifeguard depending. The thing about that is, I feel that I get overwhelmed easily because I am constantly tired from all of this. I just largely am seeing my spiritual self, my relation to God and growing closer to Him, is just sinking and I see myself slipping away from Him. I do a devotional every day, and I try to read the Bible and pray, but it all seems rushed, and while I’m trying and actively thinking (as much as my scatterbrained mind may allow) on how I can be more patient, or loving, or gentle, just exhibiting anything God would want me to, I get tired and I honestly get sick of doing it. I get sick of holding up the world, so to speak. I am weary of pursuing Jesus and not seeing, or honestly, feeling like I benefit or am bettered by, any results. It’s frustrating and I feel small and separated and overwhelmed and unable to perform to some standard. I know God doesn’t expect me to always be on top of things with He and I, in fact, I wonder if Jesus doesn’t expect for me to let our relationship slide. I wonder if my relationships with others mimick that of the one with my God sometimes. I haven’t seen any friends or hung out with anyone since early May it feels like, and the only person I’ve really had good contact with is my boyfriend. Nevertheless, I just feel everything slipping all because I want to make money to live on my own next year. I just can’t stand what a worker bee I’ve become. I have no time for prayer and meditation and it just depresses me. I wish God were closer to me and I truly wish that things would improve. I don’t really think that attending church and reading something and having half-finished prayers (I get distracted a LOT when I talk with God at any time, and half the time I’ve got no idea what to pray for or how to pray?!) is cutting it. I’m not reaching the mark, and not running the race. What more can I do? Can pray more for a deepening of spirituality and knowing Jesus? I wish it were that simple. RIght now, I just feel stagnant, and immovable, despite however much I want to be moved.
That’s all. Writing is good occasionally.
Self seeker
Get up and learn
Wait for your turn for things to be taught.
Keep your eyes in your pockets,
Self seeker
Take this from the meek
For your greed it’s killing the lot.
Return to some good
You don’t act as you should,
Self seeker
Stop this cheat break the truth.
The patience you had
Has ended up stale,
Self seeker
Unvail shed the dark.
What this own heart desires
Sets the other trees afire.
Self seeker Don’t burn them to ash.
